Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Joseph's Dark Only Side

Joseph smith, possibly one of the world's greatest con men, must have been more twisted than we can imagine. We all do bad things sometimes and we all have our "dark side". After thinking it through, joseph smith appears to only have a dark side. Everything he did, if you really look at it, was to either get money, women, or power.

There are some honest ways to obtain some of these, but Joseph choose the dark path. Lying, manipulation, fear, fakery, and of course forgery. It's amazing to think about how much he got away with and for how long. Starting a lame ass bank and taking the money. Lying about god and getting the believers to give everything they have to you and "the church". Make a fake book that you can sell to make more money. Command men to leave and preach your made up message and then take their wives. Have secret kgb agents"Danites" that make sure no one opposes you. Start your own army and make yourself general. Tell people it's bad to have alcohol, tea, tobacco, etc and then build a bar in your home and drink. Have 34 wives even if some of them are still married to other men. Fake a translation of some Egyptian funeral scrolls and claim they are from abraham. There are many more but I realized that this entry would be way to long if I stayed on this point.

The reason the blog is titled Joseph's Dark Only Side is that you would have to be a totally evil person to continue with the kind of madness that joseph was about. I just can't imagine stealing other men's wives, and then when they get back, convincing them that it was okay! Damn, he would have been a great sales person in our day! lol Wouldn't you have put an end to it at some point? Or at least ran away? Not good ole joe. Nope. What else can I get away with was his thing. Who knows what would have happened next?

If any of us here in outer blogness decide to take up ripping people off, then we have a great role model. So in tribute - a song.

Praise to the con man who communed with himself!
Acting like a prophet and drinking beer.
To all other con men he is their example, Exmos shall hate him, and south park parody.
Pale ale to the con man, who fell out a window!
Fakers and liars will see it's not in vain.
Mingling his seed with so many women; Let's hope we never see a joseph again.


FYI - Quick update. For those of you who haven't tried Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, do it! My friend bought a pitcher and that stuff is awesome! I testify that it was no coincidence and that pale ale sounds like pay lay ale! There must have a reason! lol

You can't read Ishmael the Wild Ass with out looking at my Ass! How dare you!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Bartending Extraordinaire

This may sound funny, but the first "real" job I had as a teenager was at a coffee shop. I had a paper route before that... but that's a whole other story. Simeon actually worked next door to the coffee shop. He wooed them over, put in a good word and got me in. It was one of the most fun jobs I've ever had. There was nothing quite like knowing the regulars, what was going on in their lives, and having their "special" drinks ready for them before they could even pay/order. It was a great atmosphere and you'd hear new stories and see funny stuff every day.

I of course moved on to other better jobs later on. What was funny about this situation, was that the job was always open for me and there was always a temptation to go back. Once I decided that it probably wasn't in my best interest as a TBM to work there, however, as I would be very hypocritical.

The other job I thought we be extremely fun and exciting was bartending. The amount of money I could make in tips always seemed awesome too. I always had a desire to go work as a bartender. I just couldn't act on it. At times it would have been a great help having a second job a couple nights a week. The bills would have been paid, I would have had extra money in my pocket, and I would have had a good time doing it.

The great thing now is that I can finally go and do it! I've been looking around and hopefully in the next couple of weeks I'll have found a place where I can "bar back" or receive training. I've read up on the subject and it seems that the crowd is split down the middle as far as what the best way to proceed is in becoming a bartender. Half say going to a bartending school is best and the other half says on the job training blows it away.

If any one out there in outer blogness has any knowledge on the subject or advice that could help me out, I would be most appreciative. Obviously, you don't have to be from outer blogness to offer advice. Any help will be appreciated!

Above all else, this new job will help me become an even bigger, better, and Wilder ASS!

Ishmael the Wild Ass (soon to be) Bartender

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Mormon Magic

The past couple of days I've been letting my imagination have a little fun with a few things that would have made being a mormon a little more fun.

What if garments really were ultra super protective?! I mean picture it now. Frodo from the Lord of the Rings is not only the ring bearer, but a mormon missionary! Sent to destroy the ring and convert Sauron from his wicked ways. I know most of you must remember the scene in the mines of Moria(The abandoned underground dwarven city) As they are battling with the orcs, a cave-troll comes into the battle and all hell breaks loose. Right before they kill the troll it runs Frodo through with a spear and frodo collapses. At this point everyone in the group thinks he's dead. He then begins to cough and wake up, only to reveal that underneath his clothes he's wearing something special. Gimli utters, "Garments!" lol Ok, Ok, for those that know the story of course it's "Mithril!". But just think how funny it would have been if it was "Garments!"

And what about the temple video. I mean if you are going to raise your arm to the square to command that the devil leave, your should at least have some kind of white light emanating from your hand. Better yet a flaming ball of fire that you can hurl would be awesome! I mean, no question of authority there! They could even have peter use the south park Eric Cartman quote, "respect my athoritay!". I definitely wouldn't mind watching it as much. That's for sure!

I've also noticed a semi-real mormon power. It's helped me understand why testimony bearing may work so well.

Okay, tell me if you are with me on this one. You are watching TV and see something bad happen to someone that you feel for, or if you see something tragic happen to a group of innocent people. Isn't it almost instinctive to have an emotional rush and feel some connection to them?

It's the magic power of crying. Seriously! I mean once you see them starting to get teary, you begin to think, "Wow, they must really mean it or be serious!" and WHAM!, you've been caught by the mormon magic of crying!

I mean if the getting choked up doesn't work, then they crank it up a notch! First a tear, then more. Whatever it takes! I'm surprised it hasn't become even more extreme. I mean, once they realize that the crying isn't working on the exmos, what's next?

The magic power of hitting oneself?

On a different topic... I was thinking about how funny outer darkness sounds. I mean come on. Outer darkness? Don't forget your night light? To me outer darkness sounds like a dark closet they make you stand in to take your punishment in heaven. Spooky!

I have one last note for the day about super mormon powers. Simeon's always wanted freezing breath. I think that he's forgotten that he already has more then that! Just ask him. He has control of the elements! NO kidding. Says so right in his partiarchal blessing. lol

There's nothing like a little mormon magic.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I am Great!

No, seriously, I am. It seems like you may not be sure. Let me help you out. I can help you see, feel and know how great I am. You'll have to place just a small amount of trust in me. The knowledge you'll receive will be well worth it.

Here's what I need you to do. Go to all your friends, family, and even people you don't know and tell them how great I am! Why are you giving me that look? I'm totally sincere! I mean, sure you could look into what I've done and verify my background. There are many ways you could look into my past and discover everything I'm about. What you need to understand is, that you don't need to! In fact I'd recommend you don't. Why bother in fact? It's much easier just to go and tell everyone, everywhere, that I'm great! I promise you that if you tell enough people you WILL know!

What? Isn't that lying you say? No of course not! Because it's true. I'm great! And as a great person, would I really tell you to lie? No way! You see? So you wouldn't be lying because it's true! And you'll know it's true by telling others! Brilliant!

Oh, the flawed logic of the LDS leaders. I can't believe I ever listened to their BS.

boyd k packer -"Oh if I could teach you this one principle. A testimony is Found in the Bearing of It" ("The Candle of the Lord," Ensign, Jan. 1983, 51)

So, basically if you don't know, it's okay to lie about it. That way you'll eventually know and not have to lie any more!

By the way, make sure to tell them to give me their money too! I need it. :)

Ishmael the Wild Ass

Friday, August 18, 2006

New Improvements

Hello all. I am not sure if I am going to have the time for a real post today as things this past week have been extremely busy at work. Needless to say a few more improvements have been done to my logo. The only thing I think that may need some explanation is the I and l in Ishmael. They come from a very funny post from my brother.

Next week I won't be so swamped and should have more time for some fun in outer blogness.

If anyone has any suggestions for improvements to my logo, just let me know. It's going to be fun watching it evolve!


Thursday, August 17, 2006


Well, "Since everyone else is doing it", I figured it was about time to start making some improvements to my blog. Ishmael the Wild Ass is now written in the papyrus font, which is fitting... :) Nothing like a reminder of the book of Abrapig. Whoops I mean Abraham of course. Man, this apostasy is clouding my mind! I believe that the logo will evolve in time. It's hard to find good pictures of donkeys! Go figure.

The reason I titled today's blog rationalization, is to showcase how far some TBMs will go to make something ok.

A couple days ago I called up and spoke with one of my TBM friends that lives a great distance away. Needless to say we can't meet in person. We began a discussion about all the truths I had discovered as well as all the lies that had been hidden by the lds church. The discussion was going pretty well until her husband wandered into the room and I was put on speaker. lol He listened and was pretty attentive to everything, but would almost always say, "Well, I could go online and make any of that stuff up!". I then had to explain that if you really research it you CAN verify most of the sources. I still think it's funny that it's always assumed everyone in the world is lying if it goes against the church. There is no chance the lds church is lying... NO way! Couldn't be... Oh wait... shit.

I then related an experience that I had with my mission president with him. My mission president was the head of the priesthood department at the church office building, and is now in charge of the church temple department. He is the grandson of joseph fielding smith. During the course of my studies as a missionary, I had uncovered that the joseph smith translation of the bible was different from the book of mormon text. This made the bible verses more complete then the book of mormon ones! When I asked my mission president about it he said, "Well to be honest with you Elder (my last name), there really isn't an answer for that one. The most I've been able to uncover is this. Some of the bretheren are of the opinion that joseph may have copied that section from the bible because he knew at the time of translation that it was the same thing." Other than that explanation he said there was no other.

When I told this to my friends husband, he told me I must have been mistaken! Yah, right. I don't know what I heard. He said it was like the phone game! Sure buddy, like the telephone game except only played with two people! lol Unbelievable. He told me that I must not be remembering correctly because it was so long ago and that there is no way any of the bretheren would even hint at that sort of thing. Right... I forgot, I'm stupid and I must be a liar because I'm saying something against the church!! I told him that even without the explanation the problem was still the same. For any of the issue, there are no answers... Then I corrected my self. There are no answers that confirm the lds church's position. Only answers that expose the falsehoods that the lds faith is based on.

Finally the funniest part of my conversation was about Marriott and his hotels. I told him that this wasn't one of the sticking points as far as the truthfulness of the church, just one of the things that bugged me. I talked about how Marriott sells alcohol and pornography in his hotels and that the church accepts tithes from these sales. How can that be right?

I was told, "Well, he runs a hotel, and if he doesn't sell alcohol and porn, he won't be successful!" "Really?", I said. "So sin is okay as long as it makes you successful!? So, I can lie at work as long as it gets me ahead". Instead of answering my question, he gave another lame ass reason. "Well, all the other hotels are doing it. He needs to keep up." Okay, I get it now. My response, "So if everyone else is doing something, I'm okay doing it too! Right?"

The funniest part is that he would NOT just answer a yes or no question, no matter how I phrased it. He would just jump back and forth between the fact that Marriott needed to be successful, everyone else is doing it, and he needs to do it to have a five star hotel. These things make it okay that Marriott is selling porn and booz, and that the church is okay taking the money as tithing.... lol

You just have to love rationalization.

So in the spirit of rationalization I salute all TBMs out there. Since "everyone else is doing it" is such a great reason, I just had to use it to update my blog!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Now What?

Today I thought that I would jot down some of the more poignant feelings and thoughts one can have and that I personally have had after discovering the truth about the lds church. At first, it takes some time just to digest all the lies, deception, cover ups, and excuses that we realize we've been fed. At least that has been my personal experience. Next, you have to deal with your own feelings on the subject. Dealing with the feelings is going to take some time.

Though most people don't talk about it much, recently my friend who left the church a few years ago made an impressive comment. He said that it takes a great deal of courage to make the decision to leave the lds church. I personally have to agree. It takes a lot of courage to meet this challenge head on.

Right now, what I'm finding is the most difficult portion to be, is the "Now what?". Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Do I like who I am? Why do I do the things I do? Do I want to do them for the same reasons now? What path do I think I should take? What do I want to believe(or not believe for that matter) now?

After living so long with every answer spoon fed you, deciding who and what you are and where you want to go, is an amazing and frightening experience. So far I'd say more amazing, but the frightening parts are definatly still there.

One of the lessons taught to us by our Mother as children often was that we should always be leaders and never followers. lol It's a great lesson to be learned. After leaving the morg, I'm amazed at how much following was going on! Now is the chance for me, and hopefully any one else experiencing the same thing, to truly lead my/your life. Make your own way. Pave your personal path! Take individual responsibility for all you own actions instead of saying, "Well if the church said so, it must be right!".

The bottom line is this. Although the hurt is still there, the chance to be me, to think freely, and to command my own destiny is priceless.

So, although I'm glad I get to be a Wild Ass now. And although the drinking is fun, shopping on Sunday is great, and mocha's provide me a great pick me up.

I'm enjoying my true freedom the most.