Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Joseph's Dark Only Side

Joseph smith, possibly one of the world's greatest con men, must have been more twisted than we can imagine. We all do bad things sometimes and we all have our "dark side". After thinking it through, joseph smith appears to only have a dark side. Everything he did, if you really look at it, was to either get money, women, or power.

There are some honest ways to obtain some of these, but Joseph choose the dark path. Lying, manipulation, fear, fakery, and of course forgery. It's amazing to think about how much he got away with and for how long. Starting a lame ass bank and taking the money. Lying about god and getting the believers to give everything they have to you and "the church". Make a fake book that you can sell to make more money. Command men to leave and preach your made up message and then take their wives. Have secret kgb agents"Danites" that make sure no one opposes you. Start your own army and make yourself general. Tell people it's bad to have alcohol, tea, tobacco, etc and then build a bar in your home and drink. Have 34 wives even if some of them are still married to other men. Fake a translation of some Egyptian funeral scrolls and claim they are from abraham. There are many more but I realized that this entry would be way to long if I stayed on this point.

The reason the blog is titled Joseph's Dark Only Side is that you would have to be a totally evil person to continue with the kind of madness that joseph was about. I just can't imagine stealing other men's wives, and then when they get back, convincing them that it was okay! Damn, he would have been a great sales person in our day! lol Wouldn't you have put an end to it at some point? Or at least ran away? Not good ole joe. Nope. What else can I get away with was his thing. Who knows what would have happened next?

If any of us here in outer blogness decide to take up ripping people off, then we have a great role model. So in tribute - a song.

Praise to the con man who communed with himself!
Acting like a prophet and drinking beer.
To all other con men he is their example, Exmos shall hate him, and south park parody.
Pale ale to the con man, who fell out a window!
Fakers and liars will see it's not in vain.
Mingling his seed with so many women; Let's hope we never see a joseph again.


FYI - Quick update. For those of you who haven't tried Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, do it! My friend bought a pitcher and that stuff is awesome! I testify that it was no coincidence and that pale ale sounds like pay lay ale! There must have a reason! lol

You can't read Ishmael the Wild Ass with out looking at my Ass! How dare you!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Bartending Extraordinaire

This may sound funny, but the first "real" job I had as a teenager was at a coffee shop. I had a paper route before that... but that's a whole other story. Simeon actually worked next door to the coffee shop. He wooed them over, put in a good word and got me in. It was one of the most fun jobs I've ever had. There was nothing quite like knowing the regulars, what was going on in their lives, and having their "special" drinks ready for them before they could even pay/order. It was a great atmosphere and you'd hear new stories and see funny stuff every day.

I of course moved on to other better jobs later on. What was funny about this situation, was that the job was always open for me and there was always a temptation to go back. Once I decided that it probably wasn't in my best interest as a TBM to work there, however, as I would be very hypocritical.

The other job I thought we be extremely fun and exciting was bartending. The amount of money I could make in tips always seemed awesome too. I always had a desire to go work as a bartender. I just couldn't act on it. At times it would have been a great help having a second job a couple nights a week. The bills would have been paid, I would have had extra money in my pocket, and I would have had a good time doing it.

The great thing now is that I can finally go and do it! I've been looking around and hopefully in the next couple of weeks I'll have found a place where I can "bar back" or receive training. I've read up on the subject and it seems that the crowd is split down the middle as far as what the best way to proceed is in becoming a bartender. Half say going to a bartending school is best and the other half says on the job training blows it away.

If any one out there in outer blogness has any knowledge on the subject or advice that could help me out, I would be most appreciative. Obviously, you don't have to be from outer blogness to offer advice. Any help will be appreciated!

Above all else, this new job will help me become an even bigger, better, and Wilder ASS!

Ishmael the Wild Ass (soon to be) Bartender

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Mormon Magic

The past couple of days I've been letting my imagination have a little fun with a few things that would have made being a mormon a little more fun.

What if garments really were ultra super protective?! I mean picture it now. Frodo from the Lord of the Rings is not only the ring bearer, but a mormon missionary! Sent to destroy the ring and convert Sauron from his wicked ways. I know most of you must remember the scene in the mines of Moria(The abandoned underground dwarven city) As they are battling with the orcs, a cave-troll comes into the battle and all hell breaks loose. Right before they kill the troll it runs Frodo through with a spear and frodo collapses. At this point everyone in the group thinks he's dead. He then begins to cough and wake up, only to reveal that underneath his clothes he's wearing something special. Gimli utters, "Garments!" lol Ok, Ok, for those that know the story of course it's "Mithril!". But just think how funny it would have been if it was "Garments!"

And what about the temple video. I mean if you are going to raise your arm to the square to command that the devil leave, your should at least have some kind of white light emanating from your hand. Better yet a flaming ball of fire that you can hurl would be awesome! I mean, no question of authority there! They could even have peter use the south park Eric Cartman quote, "respect my athoritay!". I definitely wouldn't mind watching it as much. That's for sure!

I've also noticed a semi-real mormon power. It's helped me understand why testimony bearing may work so well.

Okay, tell me if you are with me on this one. You are watching TV and see something bad happen to someone that you feel for, or if you see something tragic happen to a group of innocent people. Isn't it almost instinctive to have an emotional rush and feel some connection to them?

It's the magic power of crying. Seriously! I mean once you see them starting to get teary, you begin to think, "Wow, they must really mean it or be serious!" and WHAM!, you've been caught by the mormon magic of crying!

I mean if the getting choked up doesn't work, then they crank it up a notch! First a tear, then more. Whatever it takes! I'm surprised it hasn't become even more extreme. I mean, once they realize that the crying isn't working on the exmos, what's next?

The magic power of hitting oneself?

On a different topic... I was thinking about how funny outer darkness sounds. I mean come on. Outer darkness? Don't forget your night light? To me outer darkness sounds like a dark closet they make you stand in to take your punishment in heaven. Spooky!

I have one last note for the day about super mormon powers. Simeon's always wanted freezing breath. I think that he's forgotten that he already has more then that! Just ask him. He has control of the elements! NO kidding. Says so right in his partiarchal blessing. lol

There's nothing like a little mormon magic.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I am Great!

No, seriously, I am. It seems like you may not be sure. Let me help you out. I can help you see, feel and know how great I am. You'll have to place just a small amount of trust in me. The knowledge you'll receive will be well worth it.

Here's what I need you to do. Go to all your friends, family, and even people you don't know and tell them how great I am! Why are you giving me that look? I'm totally sincere! I mean, sure you could look into what I've done and verify my background. There are many ways you could look into my past and discover everything I'm about. What you need to understand is, that you don't need to! In fact I'd recommend you don't. Why bother in fact? It's much easier just to go and tell everyone, everywhere, that I'm great! I promise you that if you tell enough people you WILL know!

What? Isn't that lying you say? No of course not! Because it's true. I'm great! And as a great person, would I really tell you to lie? No way! You see? So you wouldn't be lying because it's true! And you'll know it's true by telling others! Brilliant!

Oh, the flawed logic of the LDS leaders. I can't believe I ever listened to their BS.

boyd k packer -"Oh if I could teach you this one principle. A testimony is Found in the Bearing of It" ("The Candle of the Lord," Ensign, Jan. 1983, 51)

So, basically if you don't know, it's okay to lie about it. That way you'll eventually know and not have to lie any more!

By the way, make sure to tell them to give me their money too! I need it. :)

Ishmael the Wild Ass

Friday, August 18, 2006

New Improvements

Hello all. I am not sure if I am going to have the time for a real post today as things this past week have been extremely busy at work. Needless to say a few more improvements have been done to my logo. The only thing I think that may need some explanation is the I and l in Ishmael. They come from a very funny post from my brother.

Next week I won't be so swamped and should have more time for some fun in outer blogness.

If anyone has any suggestions for improvements to my logo, just let me know. It's going to be fun watching it evolve!


Thursday, August 17, 2006


Well, "Since everyone else is doing it", I figured it was about time to start making some improvements to my blog. Ishmael the Wild Ass is now written in the papyrus font, which is fitting... :) Nothing like a reminder of the book of Abrapig. Whoops I mean Abraham of course. Man, this apostasy is clouding my mind! I believe that the logo will evolve in time. It's hard to find good pictures of donkeys! Go figure.

The reason I titled today's blog rationalization, is to showcase how far some TBMs will go to make something ok.

A couple days ago I called up and spoke with one of my TBM friends that lives a great distance away. Needless to say we can't meet in person. We began a discussion about all the truths I had discovered as well as all the lies that had been hidden by the lds church. The discussion was going pretty well until her husband wandered into the room and I was put on speaker. lol He listened and was pretty attentive to everything, but would almost always say, "Well, I could go online and make any of that stuff up!". I then had to explain that if you really research it you CAN verify most of the sources. I still think it's funny that it's always assumed everyone in the world is lying if it goes against the church. There is no chance the lds church is lying... NO way! Couldn't be... Oh wait... shit.

I then related an experience that I had with my mission president with him. My mission president was the head of the priesthood department at the church office building, and is now in charge of the church temple department. He is the grandson of joseph fielding smith. During the course of my studies as a missionary, I had uncovered that the joseph smith translation of the bible was different from the book of mormon text. This made the bible verses more complete then the book of mormon ones! When I asked my mission president about it he said, "Well to be honest with you Elder (my last name), there really isn't an answer for that one. The most I've been able to uncover is this. Some of the bretheren are of the opinion that joseph may have copied that section from the bible because he knew at the time of translation that it was the same thing." Other than that explanation he said there was no other.

When I told this to my friends husband, he told me I must have been mistaken! Yah, right. I don't know what I heard. He said it was like the phone game! Sure buddy, like the telephone game except only played with two people! lol Unbelievable. He told me that I must not be remembering correctly because it was so long ago and that there is no way any of the bretheren would even hint at that sort of thing. Right... I forgot, I'm stupid and I must be a liar because I'm saying something against the church!! I told him that even without the explanation the problem was still the same. For any of the issue, there are no answers... Then I corrected my self. There are no answers that confirm the lds church's position. Only answers that expose the falsehoods that the lds faith is based on.

Finally the funniest part of my conversation was about Marriott and his hotels. I told him that this wasn't one of the sticking points as far as the truthfulness of the church, just one of the things that bugged me. I talked about how Marriott sells alcohol and pornography in his hotels and that the church accepts tithes from these sales. How can that be right?

I was told, "Well, he runs a hotel, and if he doesn't sell alcohol and porn, he won't be successful!" "Really?", I said. "So sin is okay as long as it makes you successful!? So, I can lie at work as long as it gets me ahead". Instead of answering my question, he gave another lame ass reason. "Well, all the other hotels are doing it. He needs to keep up." Okay, I get it now. My response, "So if everyone else is doing something, I'm okay doing it too! Right?"

The funniest part is that he would NOT just answer a yes or no question, no matter how I phrased it. He would just jump back and forth between the fact that Marriott needed to be successful, everyone else is doing it, and he needs to do it to have a five star hotel. These things make it okay that Marriott is selling porn and booz, and that the church is okay taking the money as tithing.... lol

You just have to love rationalization.

So in the spirit of rationalization I salute all TBMs out there. Since "everyone else is doing it" is such a great reason, I just had to use it to update my blog!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Now What?

Today I thought that I would jot down some of the more poignant feelings and thoughts one can have and that I personally have had after discovering the truth about the lds church. At first, it takes some time just to digest all the lies, deception, cover ups, and excuses that we realize we've been fed. At least that has been my personal experience. Next, you have to deal with your own feelings on the subject. Dealing with the feelings is going to take some time.

Though most people don't talk about it much, recently my friend who left the church a few years ago made an impressive comment. He said that it takes a great deal of courage to make the decision to leave the lds church. I personally have to agree. It takes a lot of courage to meet this challenge head on.

Right now, what I'm finding is the most difficult portion to be, is the "Now what?". Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Do I like who I am? Why do I do the things I do? Do I want to do them for the same reasons now? What path do I think I should take? What do I want to believe(or not believe for that matter) now?

After living so long with every answer spoon fed you, deciding who and what you are and where you want to go, is an amazing and frightening experience. So far I'd say more amazing, but the frightening parts are definatly still there.

One of the lessons taught to us by our Mother as children often was that we should always be leaders and never followers. lol It's a great lesson to be learned. After leaving the morg, I'm amazed at how much following was going on! Now is the chance for me, and hopefully any one else experiencing the same thing, to truly lead my/your life. Make your own way. Pave your personal path! Take individual responsibility for all you own actions instead of saying, "Well if the church said so, it must be right!".

The bottom line is this. Although the hurt is still there, the chance to be me, to think freely, and to command my own destiny is priceless.

So, although I'm glad I get to be a Wild Ass now. And although the drinking is fun, shopping on Sunday is great, and mocha's provide me a great pick me up.

I'm enjoying my true freedom the most.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Green Tea

Has anyone other than myself ever looked into green tea as a TBM(pre-apostasy) and wondered why it would be considered bad to drink? As a missionary we taught that herbal tea was okay but that black and green tea was off limits. I've always wondered why the green tea was such a no no.

Yesterday as I was enjoying a cup of green tea I rediscovered all the health benefits one can derive from this wonderful concoction online. It protects your heart, liver, and teeth! It can also help with arthritis and believe it or not, they believe it is the reason that smokers in Asia have dramatically lower cancer rates. The same goes for the French that eat so many fatty foods! So a little cancer protection to boot! It also helps lower blood sugar and blood pressure!

The only negative they have been able to come up with in research is caffeine. I believe the amount of caffeine in a cup of green tea is about the same as a mountain dew. And we all know that according to the leaders of the lds church, "caffeine is not "the reason" we don't drink coffee and other hot drinks".

So basically we can't have something which is obviously healthy because the morg wants to exert more control. Go figure.

The mormon church, isn't it about.... control?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Just Imagine

Okay, okay, I know all lot of us out here in outer blogness may have spoken to fellow exmos about how funny this would be, but I just have to write about it. I really got a good laugh talking about this with my brothers.

Now just imagine. You could do this yourself, but it would be much more fun as a group. So just imagine you and a couple of your apostate buddies walking into the church building during your wards or somebody else's sacrament meeting. You're dressed in trench coats to make sure that you can get in the building with out being stopped. Once inside you take off the trench coats and...? No it's not streaking, although it would be hilarious.

Nope, you put on you caps and veils and reveal your temple robes...! lol Now obviously this wouldn't be the greatest idea for a couple of reasons. First off, total lack of respect for any friends you have there. Secondly, you might not make it out alive.

But just picture the shock value it would have as you and your group of friends stand in the isles and recite "Oh God hear the words of my mouth", of course repeated three times. I'd throw in a couple "Pay Lay Ale's" for all the older folks too! :) After that you'd have to make a b-line for door, before some really pissed off members try to tackle you.

Just the image of it all is so funny to me! The robes are so silly looking and it would lead to all the kids asking their parents what the hell was going on. The last thing that would be fun to do if you could get away with it would be the true order of prayer... LOL Considering that they used to do it in meetings.

Other great ideas that relate the temple to stuff include Halloween temple worker costumes and the infamous "Baker's temple" restaurant where the chefs wear the temple garb. I mean, the hat is meant for a baker any way isn't it? It sure as hell looks like a bakers hat. You could order a good ole cup o' joe to go with your fanny alger cherry pie! While you're at it have all 34 different pies with ole joe! Joe goes good with any pie. LOL

If you'd care to list any other great uses for your old temple robes, please comment. I'd love to hear them!

I'm Ishmael, and the morg can kiss my Wild Ass!

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Price of Perfection

Well lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I am now and what effects the morg has had on me. One of the things that has had a serious impact, is the price of perfection that was required of myself and others. The vicious cycle that the members get put through is insane. Through the constant pursuit of perfection, we become obsessed with always getting everything 100% right. When we don't reach it, it's our fault and then comes the false guilt. This then leads to the frustration and anger of never being able to get it right. Consequently, this then moves into other areas of life which we shouldn't have guilt for.

For example, marriage. If your significant other is treating you extremeley poorly and maybe abusively, you'll feel as if you must not be doing everything right and there most be more that can be done. Thoughts such as "I'm not compassionate enough." "I'm not understanding enough." "I should give more." We become so programmed with these types of thoughts and feelings to the point that we completely and utterly forget about ourselves, the reality of the situation, and how to make the right decisions.

You can apply this to any thing that was in your life as a member of the church. Be it callings, little sins, scripture reading, temple attendance....

So instead of making a decisions that will help better the situation, blame is placed upon ones self and the problems never go away. And as the problems grow, so do feelings of inadequatecy, depression, and a lot of times anger. Is it no wonder then, that Utah leads the country in anti-depressant use? It just drives me crazy!

As far as I'm concerned, thomas s monson can take his "pathways to perfection" shine it up real nice, turn that son of a bitch side ways and shove it up his candy ASS!!! The leaders of the lds church are not so dumb as to not know that this problem is huge in the church. The leaders of the church are not so dumb as to not know that it is causing so much pain. But what do they care? It's their bread and butter. It's their sure thing. So long as they can keep everyone off balance enough to be so worried with all this BS, who will have time to find the truth?

The one good thing that comes from this, is that I believe it is backfiring on the church in a number of ways. It's no wonder that based on statistics I've read, that the active membership in the morg is closer to 4-5 mil.

Oh wait though, that can't be. Because according good ole gordy, there are so very few of us "dissenters". Sure gordy, whatever makes you feel better.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Over the past couple of weeks, I've been having thoughts about what really makes someone an "anti". As I processed each one as it came to mind, they began to form lyrics. Below is a poem/song about what it means to be anti. I personally like to imagine/sing the lyrics to a punk song.


They all call me the Anti-Guy
I just can't fucking figure why!
All I said is that I will not lie,
I guess that's why I'm the Anti-Guy.

You can tell me every other reason I would be,
You can say that was how I always wanted to see.
Whatever you do, you can't change a thing,
Because I bring reality and it sure packs a sting.

That my friends is why. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
I'm the Anti-Guy. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
Till the day I die. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
I'll be the Anti-Guy - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum

Everyone is telling me,
The slope to hell is slippery,
Better to have fun on the way,
Then be a two-face everyday!

To all my friends I raise my glass,
The fucking Morg can kiss my ass,
My message to mormons everywhere,
Get out now and tear up your underwear!!

That my friends is why. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
I'm the Anti-Guy. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
Till the day I die. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
I'll be the Anti-Guy - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum

Think of all this crazy shit,
All the women joseph hit,
Did no one then have a clue?
Of course they did they shot him through!

They say joseph smith was a martyr,
But on the way he killed two others.
Hidden truths, they come to light,
When you learn to use insight!!

That my friends is why. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
The mormon church is all a lie. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
I'll tell these truths till the day I die. - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum
Because I am the Anti-Guy - (base drum)Dum dum, dum dum dum

Ah, nice to finally have jotted this one down. I may add a few lines later, but it's good for now. If any one actually wants to make this into a song...(hehe yeah right) I don't have sufficient for my needs and would appreciate a 10% cut. LOL

These things are said in the name of the Letter L. For big fat mother fucking stupid ass shitty Mormon LIES! Oh and hopefully I'll be a little less angry in my next post. :)

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Ishmael, The Wild Ass

Back, nine years ago, a devout young man entered the house of the morg. He was given the precious. He was never to reveal it. He was however supposed to look up it's meaning and apply it to his life. At least that was the advice given him by the morg workers.

At the time I forgot to look up the meaning and it just dawned on me recently to take a look, and find out it's meaning and how it applies to me.

"Behold, you are with child, and shall bear a son; you shall call his name Ishmael; because The Lord has given heed to your affliction. He shall be a wild ass of a man, his hand against every man and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen." (Genesis 16:11-12 RSV).

Well there you have it! I should have known. No wonder I've become such an apostate! At least I now have another valid reason to give all those who ask "why?".

Why would you drink alcohol, sip coffee, watch R-rated movies, speak EVIL of the lord's anointed(yeah anointed, my ass), and why don't you even care anymore if movies have nude scenes!! Why after all this time are you using foul language? You've never done any of it! You even rent you garments!(that's right folks... Just imagine the Hulk Hogan theme song and me hulking out on my garments... hehe it was one of the greatest feelings...) :)

My family and friends(the TBM ones) have been amazed at how fast the change has come and all I have to say is that ironically enough, it's the LDS church's fault.

Growing up, like most mormons I've heard that the church is TRUE more times then I can count. The only TRUE church. Everything is based on TRUTH. Dare to be TRUE. Stand for the TRUTH. Growing up I even looked up the definition of lie to make sure I stayed TRUE. The definitions are as follows:

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.

What's funny about statement 2 is that even a Truth can be used to lie, if it's used to deceive or give a wrong impression.

I grew to love and today still love the TRUTH. It makes me who I am. Being raised mormon you're taught to have integrity and it's been my most prized possession. I knew that others could count on me to be honest with them and that they could rely on the information I gave them.

Then one day, my bro Simeon comes along and was like, "WTF?! My testimony disappeared and I have questions about *fill in every crazy lie the church has covered up*". Normally I have been able to answer any question thrown at me. This time, the TRUTH was starring me in the face and I couldn't rationalize it away. I couldn't do any of that. Not if I wanted to be able to look at my self in the mirror and consider my self an "honest" person.

What really pissed me off, and still does, is how can any church leaders claim to have integrity!!!! Words can't express,(not even profane ones) how mad this makes me. Who the hell do they think they are? You're going to fucking tell me to be honest, true and serve others when you my friends are two faced liars!! Stupid weak fucks are what you are if you ask me. Be men and stand up for the truth!!! Quit the masquerade and be men and admit that the church isn't true!!! Quit selling out to your fears and lust for power you dumb mo fos!!!

Sorry for the rant! I had to get that out. Let me get back to the story at hand. So basically, in order to break out of the "The 3rd Token (or grip) of the MP" as my bro so elegantly put it, I've cussed, gotten drunk, had my self a nice frapachino(which was mighty good, by the way), watched and pretty much done whatever I've felt was okay. It's amazing making decisions based on what I feel and think instead of everything being based on a list of rules and obligations. You mean... It's okay to think for yourself? Brilliant!!

So "WHY" am I doing these things. Well, for one the church isn't fucking true. Joseph smith was a arrogant manipulative bastard, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I've been trapped for the past 28 years in a dumb ass cult!!!! A very hypocritical cult at that.

Oh yeah and one last reason.... I'm Ishmael, and I'm supposed to be a Wild ASS!!!